"Dance 3, Looks, 3" or "Everything ISN'T Beautiful At the Ballet"

I'll begin this by explaining that I have loved ballet all my life, but had very limited training. A year or two of classes as a kid, a year or two in college (that ended with a muscle injury)--that was about it.

About 3 years ago a dear friend of mine who is a dancer organized an informal class at the local rec center. We got together once a week. No one except me had even had any training before, no one was young and limber and skinny. It was fun, and I loved it, and I was pretty good at it.

Two years ago I broke my foot and lost about 8 weeks of class. I was just getting back into it when my friend broke HER foot! Then we lost our space and had nowhere to hold class. It ended and I have missed it.

SC is going to start taking ballet classes this weekend at a local dance center. (Like me she loves ballet and had classes with my friend, but the classes ended.) So I signed up for an adult class for beginners that started last night.

I didn't expect to do WELL--I haven't danced in so long, and my muscles have atrophied. And I didn't expect everyone to be matronly, or nearing middle age, or anything like that. But......

What I got was a group mainly comprised of 20 somethings, along with one older woman and two teens who seem to be students at the center--why they are in a beginners class, I have no idea!

Just about everyone was dressed in "cute" ballet stuff--little skirts, fancy leotards, etc. I prefer function over form and generally wear exercise leggings and a t-shirt to class. Usually it's black leggings, but unfortunately mine have disappeared and I had to wear grey ones--not becoming. I looked blocky!!

I am about 10 pounds more than I should be, and childbirth has taken its toll on my body, namely a saggy stomach and mammary glands that require a good supportive bra. I felt like looking at some of those pert young things and uttering my favorite quote "listen, kid, even the Roman Empire fell, and one day those things will too!"

And my blasted curly hair that people think is so wonderful--I had to put it up and out of my way and it made me look even worse.  My face looked red and puffy and if anyone else needs glasses, they were wearing contacts.....

None of this should matter, but you dance in front of a mirror and have to watch yourself at all times, and it does..........................

The instructor is nice, but she shouldn't be teaching a class where nearly everyone is a rank beginner. She plunged right in and started having us do basic steps, but the patterns were fast and complicated. I couldn't keep up--my muscles just weren't ready.

AND she singled me out doing a step wrong. I used to be the one SHOWING people how to do a step.

I felt like the dancing hippos in "Fantasia", only I didn't have the cute little tutu. I felt fat, ugly, awkward and OLD.

How come I can dance and perform (gracefully, I might add) in front of 200 kids at a school, but in front of a group of young women I am awkward and inhibited?

I cried in the car. I came home and cried all over the poor Man, who thinks I'm beautiful, bless him, and tried to cheer me up. Even our girl cat came and purred at me and nuzzled me.

I don't want to go back. But I will, and I'll try to hold my head high and concentrate on what I'm doing. And I won't wear those damned gray pants again--though I am thinking of wearing my big t-shirt that proclaims "I am Mother--watch me do 10,000 jobs at once!"  The cute leotards and skirts can wait until I'm back in fighting trim--which will happen if I persist.

I want to dance. And I want SC to dance. She's going to have to start all over again too, with kids younger than she is, and I can't encourage her to stick to it if I don't keep to it myself.

But I don't want her to ever feel as ugly and awkward as I did last night......................

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit