Enlighten the Gentiles #6: What's A Bagel?

Now, I'm sure by now most of North America and a lot of the rest of the world THINKS they are acquainted with bagels. Those things with the holes in the middle that aren't doughnuts?

Well, sorry, most of what you nice folk are eating may be CALLED bagels, but trust me, they are not the real "cement doughnuts"!

Real bagels are chewy, almost tough. They are dense. Most of the bagels sold in supermarkets and so-called bagel places are not much more than white bread dough with a hole in it.

And while we are at it, real bagels come in flavors like onion, sesame seed, poppy seed or just plain. Flavors such as blueberry are seldom seen in REAL bagel places!

Bagels are made with a stiff bread dough. Before they are baked they are boiled for a minute or two in huge kettles of water, usually with a bit of malt syrup added to give them gloss. Then they are baked. It's the boiling that gives them that special texture and flavor.

When the Man first came to live in the DC area, there was a store actually CALLED "Whatsabagel". Now bagels are around everywhere, but the real thing is hard to find, even in the bagel capital of the world, NYC. Here in the DC area, there are one or two places that come close. And I am still working on baking my own bagels at home--I'm almost there, but not quite!

GREAT MOMENTS IN BAGEL STUPIDITY:

1.   Listen to Segment 6 on this episode of Car Talk.  It is bad enough that this shiksa is driving and trying to deal with her food at the same time, but she is spreading JELLY on a bagel!  I'm surprised she wasn't adding peanut butter as well!  

2.  McDonald's creates a HAM, SAUSAGE and cheese "breakfast" bagel. This manages to break all the laws of kosher food, and does so on a bagel. My grandma must be rolling in her grave.......

3. Today's Washington Post has yet another device for slicing a bagel so all you poor gentiles will stop slicing your palms while slicing your bagels. Apparently, this is a major cause of trips to emergency rooms and a major way various cooking gadget companies are getting rich.

PUH-LEEEZ!  No matter what your race, creed or gender, you should be able to slice a bagel without needing to buy this item, or the $19.95 "Bagel Guillotine" or any other such advice. Here, therefore, are common sense instructions on how to slice a bagel.

1. Do NOT use a huge slicing knife--instead use a standard, serrated edge knife.

2. DO NOT EVER slice a bagel while holding it in your hand! Place it flat on a cutting board or other firm surface. Hold it down with one hand.

3. Cut the bagel about halfwy around. Move the knife SLOWLY and make small cuts. When it is halfway cut, turn it on its side and cut down. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON TOP OF THE BAGEL--FAR,FAR AWAY FROM THE KNIFE!

4. If you want to eat a bagel the REAL way, use cream cheese. Butter or margerine are tolerable. Smoked salmon (a.k.a. "lox") is heavenly, if pricey.

5. If your mother is anything like mine, don't let her watch you slicing a bagel. Even though I am grown-up, with children of my own, my mother still doesn't like to watch me using a sharp knife..................

You can find the history of the bagel, detailed slicing instructions and a great deal more at http://homecooking.about.com/library/weekly/aa011998.htm

Here's hoping that you can get a really good bagel where you are and that you will eat them in good health!

Abei Gezunt!

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